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The Cook's Toolkit

The Cook's Toolkit
The Cook's Toolkit by Clever Pumpkin.

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Grace
Four women are about to start a mob war - and nails WILL be broken.

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Daylight
The romance is over: Edward & Bella twenty years on. My short story Daylight is now available as a free download.

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Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Sister, Who Died and Left You In Charge?

Despite the ever increasing number of women going out to work, year after year study after study reveals that women continue to shoulder the lion's share of the housework – as much as 85% more than men.  The Daily Mail reports that women still spend three times as long on domestic chores such as cooking, cleaning and washing than their husbands or partners.  Almost one in five men do nothing around the house at all, only rarely changing a light bulb or feeding the dog. 

Now more than ever, with a record number of women juggling the balancing act between family, career and housework, it's vital that we take the most efficient approach to housekeeping.  These simple tips will make housework a dream:

  • Flamethrowers are great dusters.  Blow those bitching dust bunnies from the face of the earth.  They'll never know what hit them and you won't have to worry about the dust settling again. Flamethrowers are also fabulous mould destroyers (with no nasty chemical smell!)
  • Taping a feather duster to a hyper-active child is not illegal – and I've got the legal bill to prove it.  If the full bench of the Supreme Court dismissed five successive appeals from the Public Prosecutor, three from the Department of Community Services and seven from the Prime Minister herself, who are you to argue?  Grab the loophole with both hands and run like hell with it.
  • The great thing about a dirty oven is that it only has to be turned on to smell like something's cooking.  Two birds, one stone, baby.
  • If you can't keep up with the ironing, stop doing the damned washing. 
  • Unlike your children, the house cannot run away from home.  You do not have to worry about hurting its feelings.  The last time I cleaned the shower the poor damned thing burst into tears and made a speech thanking its parents. 
  • To the eyes of a three year old, a vacuum cleaner and pedal car look much the same.  Fill the little tacker up with red cordial, plonk him on the Hoover and let `er rip. 
  • A good, heavy iron is particularly effective when heated to linen then applied to your sleeping man's buttocks.
  • Good news!  That men masturbate is scientific proof they possess sufficient hand-eye co-ordination to drive a vacuum cleaner.  A cattle-prod judiciously applied to the testes is a great motivator and has the added bonus of filling your home with the warm aroma of toasting nuts.  That the man of the house may freshen the air instead of polluting it with his usual emissions will delight and enchant the whole family.
  • Finally, remember that teddy bears are flammable, and never let your children forget it either.  Why bother going to the effort of picking up that discarded toy when you can send it straight to teddy bear hell?  The kids will never have to be asked to pick up after themselves again, and as an added bonus, will have something to talk about years later in therapy.  "She bbbbbbbbburned my teddy.... MY MOTHER BURNED MY TEDDY!"  Remember, all great artists/musicians/actors have a troubled childhood, so you'll be giving the kids a great headstart in life and ensuring a comfortable retirement for yourself too.

~ or ~

The next time you're cooking dinner with one hand, washing dishes with the other, ironing with your left foot, doing the laundry with the right while simultaneously typing on your laptop with your nipples and reading the article on How To Be A Superwoman you've blue-tacked to the end of your nose, drop everything, go to the nearest mirror, give it a jolly good shine with a polishing cloth and glass cleaner then take a good long look at your reflection and ask yourself why the hell you're doing more than your fair share.  Then take that same mirror and shove it under your man's nose.  If it fogs up, that means he's capable of doing housework.

Now, take your flamethrower and burn his arse imprint out of the couch.

No-one died and left you in charge, sister.  There's a good reason why women are so good at multi-tasking: we're bad at delegating.  A liberation defined by winning the bread and baking it too is no liberation at all.  If your man isn't doing his share, boot him out, change the locks and upgrade to something with a battery – it won't feed the dog, but it will keep the cat happy.

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