The Cook's Toolkit

The Cook's Toolkit
The Cook's Toolkit by Clever Pumpkin.


The romance is over: Edward & Bella twenty years on. My short story Daylight is now available as a free download.

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Wednesday, August 1, 2012

PMS: You've Gone Too Far If He Needs CPR

While research indicates that 75% of women experience PMS, it is listed as a 'rare disease' by the US National Institutes of Health (NIH).

The Victorian Government's Better Health Channel suggests that most women suffer from PMS, and advises that the best way to manage PMS is to keep a diary and cut back on caffeine and alcohol in the two weeks prior to menstruation.

Further, Research shows that women who are in a relationship with men experience worse PMS than lesbians[1] and that most men are indifferent to their partner's suffering, preferring to treat PMS as a big joke.

The Better Health Channel advises: Manage your stress in whatever way works for you,
so here's a list of essentials to help you do just that.

Chamomile tea is a very effective calmative.  Keep a boiling cup on hand to catapult at the bastard in your life.  Alternatively, fill a cauldron and ask him to get in (NB You might have to promise him sex afterwards to achieve this.)

Lavender oil can be wonderfully soothing if you break the bottle and hold it to his throat.

Tampons: Used to write PMS IS A RECOGNISED MURDER DEFENCE, ARSEHOLE on the wall.  Just see if the fucking dishes don't get done.

Megaphone: Why confine the creative glory that it is your screaming bitchiness to your own home when you can surprise and delight the whole neighbourhood with the inspired witticisms, Arsehole; Bastard; Die arsehole fucking die; Frankly my dear, I've had better carrots; I'm gonna shoot you fucking dead; Crying only makes it worse; Begging makes me angry and the always classic, The Vienna Boy's Choir is looking for eunuchs; Hide my Uzi, would you?  Oh I'll teach you how to play hide the Uzi; and You're awfully chatty for a dead bastard etc etc.

Water cannon: You'll need this to hold off police after you've used the megaphone.  Don't worry about taking up police time – they like to practise their training.  Besides, they're not allowed to shoot their own wives.

Flamethrower: Nothing says Make me breakfast dickhead quite like roasted nuts.  Then he can add them to your muesli.  Make sure he dips them in honey first.

Chainsaw: in case you forget your house keys.

Pen and paper: Write down the number for directory assistance, tie it to a brick then beat him around the head chanting, Book a fucking restaurant, dickhead, book a fucking restaurant over and over again.

Hand grenades: To celebrate any non-changing of the toilet roll.

M16: Perchance the seat be left up. 

Rocket Launcher: In case he tries to run.

Now, let's explore some of the Better Health Channel's stellar suggestions to the pre-menstrual woman further – specifically their interpretation by the PMS brain.

Boost your dairy food intake, but switch to reduced fat or no fat versions.
Translation: eat your own babies.  As well as being milk-rich and low fat, the little vealers are probably tender as buggery too.

Make sure you have tasty and healthy snack alternatives on hand.
You can use them in a slingshot.

Reduce your alcohol intake for two weeks before your period.
It's not alcohol abuse unless the alcohol said no.

Keep a diary of your symptoms.
WHAT THE FUCK FOR?  How will reliving my misery help?  Besides, I could use the time for drinking.

Record your food choices in your PMS diary – charting your food intake may help you become more aware of high fat and high sugar snacking. 
Yes, it will. It really fucking will, and nothing's going to depress me more than irrefutable proof of the crap my psychotic hormones make me eat.  But before we take to the PMS diary idea with our flamethrower, consider this:

Twenty-nine-year-old barmaid Sandie Craddock got off a murder charge after stabbing another worker to death when she pleaded diminished responsibility because of PMS.
The judge accepted that PMS was a mitigating factor because it turned Craddock "into a raging animal each month". Craddock's diaries revealed that each of her past 30 convictions occurred around the same point of her menstrual cycle.

You magnificent bitch, I salute you.  Thirty – count `em – THIRTY convictions and still she got off.

Some more fun facts:

"Wanting to be alone" is a PMS symptom experienced by 80% of Australian women[2]. 
This means you're allergic to arseholes. 

Radical treatments include hormone therapy, anti-depressants and, in severe cases, surgery[3].  
It's official: you're allowed to cut his doodle off.  But for the love of God be spontaneous about it; it's the difference between manslaughter and murder.

Finally, to demonstrate just how well understood PMS is, please visit this link; specifically the section titled PMS Facts and Statistics featuring a photograph of a pregnant woman.

75% of women experience PMS.  Fuck it – we can't all be wrong.  Train your bastard up now or he'll never be ready for menopause. 

[1] Do men cause PMS? by Judy Skatssoon
[2] As for 1.
[3] As for 1 & 2.

© 2012 Susan Bennett.

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