Due to popular demand, Clever Pumpkin is launching a new advice column, covering everything from personal dilemmas to household advice. Our first letter comes from Rebecca South, of Toorak, Victoria.
Dear Clever Pumpkin,
Lately my husband's eye has begun to stray. Whenever we're out, I catch him looking at other women, usually much younger and more attractive than me. I'm planning on rekindling his interest with an overhaul – Botox, laser treatment, boob lift, vaginoplasty, collagen lip injections, anal bleaching, liposuction – the lot. I'll be launching the new me with a romantic dinner at home. I've already bought the racy lingerie, candles, etc. Now all that remains is to cook him a special meal. What would you recommend?
Something small calibre with a bloody big silencer. Why would you go to the effort of cooking for the bastard when it's easier to pop him? Hey, here's an idea: if you shoot him straight through that wandering eye of his, he might just get the message. And geez, you live in Toorak so if you bump him off it seems to me you have everything to gain and nothing to lose – and, as an added bonus, you won't have to wash the dishes afterward. A word of warning though, in the event you decide against hitting him yourself: DO NOT be tempted to hire a hit man from the pub – they invariably turn out to be undercover policemen. At least, that's always been my experience. Oh and I almost forgot: eucalyptus oil is a wonderful stain remover. It takes out just about any damned thing.
