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The Cook's Toolkit

The Cook's Toolkit
The Cook's Toolkit by Clever Pumpkin.

Grace

Grace
Four women are about to start a mob war - and nails WILL be broken.

Daylight

Daylight
The romance is over: Edward & Bella twenty years on. My short story Daylight is now available as a free download.

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Monday, February 28, 2011

Police & Sex Dolls: Up Against It

I used to know a plumber (yes, the same one; the guy should have been a stand-up comedian) who, when relating an incident to a lady, would substitute the expletives he assuredly expleted at the time with the term, Well, I nearly had kittens!  This came to light one day when, wide-eyed, straight-faced and earnest of expression, he told me of popping the capping from a roof only to have a trapped possum jump out at him.  He looked me in the eye and said, Well, I nearly had kittens! and of course I'd pee myself laughing thinking about what he must have said at the time and how different the story would have been at the pub: Mate, I popped the f*****g roof and this f*****g bloody possum –  I f*****g kid you not, mate – f*****g jumped out and I tell ya I couldn’t decide whether to have a f*****g heart attack mate or whether to s**t meself right there and then, mate.  What are you f*****g laughing at, mate? – this great smacking muscled plumber could look me in the eye and declare solemnly I nearly had kittens! with a perfectly straight face.