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The Cook's Toolkit

The Cook's Toolkit
The Cook's Toolkit by Clever Pumpkin.

Daylight

Daylight
The romance is over: Edward & Bella twenty years on. My short story Daylight is now available as a free download.

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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

New Advice Column from Clever Pumpkin

Due to popular demand, Clever Pumpkin is launching a new advice column, covering everything from personal dilemmas to household advice.  Our first letter comes from Rebecca South, of Toorak, Victoria.

Dear Clever Pumpkin,

Lately my husband's eye has begun to stray.  Whenever we're out, I catch him looking at other women, usually much younger and more attractive than me.  I'm planning on rekindling his interest with an overhaul – Botox, laser treatment, boob lift, vaginoplasty, collagen lip injections, anal bleaching, liposuction – the lot.  I'll be launching the new me with a romantic dinner at home.  I've already bought the racy lingerie, candles, etc.  Now all that remains is to cook him a special meal.  What would you recommend?


Something small calibre with a bloody big silencer.  Why would you go to the effort of cooking for the bastard when it's easier to pop him?  Hey, here's an idea: if you shoot him straight through that wandering eye of his, he might just get the message.  And geez, you live in Toorak so if you bump him off it seems to me you have everything to gain and nothing to lose – and, as an added bonus, you won't have to wash the dishes afterward.  A word of warning though, in the event you decide against hitting him yourself: DO NOT be tempted to hire a hit man from the pub – they invariably turn out to be undercover policemen.  At least, that's always been my experience.  Oh and I almost forgot: eucalyptus oil is a wonderful stain remover.  It takes out just about any damned thing. 


Dear Clever Pumpkin,

There's a mouldy smell in my bathroom which I can't seem to get rid of.  I've tried everything – Jif, eucalyptus oil, bicarbonate of soda.  How can I get rid of it? 
~ Anonymous, Toorak.

In my experience there's only one thing for that: get rid of the body in the bath.


Dear Clever Pumpkin,

What's the correct etiquette for disposing of a large volume of organic material?
~ Anonymous, Toorak.

I– is that you Rebecca?  Look, you've pretty much answered your own question.  As you say, the material is organic, so really, there's no right or wrong way to go about.  As it will break down quickly, you can toss it into landfill with a clear conscience, although technically I suppose it should go in the green waste bin.  If, for obvious reasons, you'd prefer not to pop hi– ah, it in the bin, there is of course the option of your own backyard, provided you're not fussy about council permits, which I would very much recommend against, in the circumstances.  Any way you choose, you can proceed with a clear environmental conscience.  If yours was a particularly bilious bastard, I'd recommend against planting him under the tomatoes, as he may make them unpalatably acidic.  On the up side though, you could use him to influence the colour of your hydrangeas.

Okay, now, Susan, stop buggering around and get back to editing Grace.

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